the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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