i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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