So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
