Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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