my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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