just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
