piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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