when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
