um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
