Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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