why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize