I feel like abortions should bother me more
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
