pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize