Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
you had me at cake vodka
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize