Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
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