I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Randomize
