I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
