Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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