I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
the day after is always just damage control
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize