apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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