i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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