Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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