You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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