How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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