Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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