I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Edward fifth and chaser hands
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
