someone threw a dead crab at me
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize