Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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