Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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