Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
