My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
We are all done wearing pants today
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
