we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
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