I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
