whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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