it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Randomize
