1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
