At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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