i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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