there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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