so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
