you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
