so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
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