Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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