Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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