I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
