ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
where are you?
Hypothermia
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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