I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
he thought i was a dude.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I currently don't understand fingers.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
