I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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