dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
You're like the curious george of whores
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
