I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
