i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
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