Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
