also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
