well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
