Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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