the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I deserve this hangover.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
