I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
