the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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