Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
