The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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